Saturday, June 16, 2007

Harry Potter and the Franchise of Cash

So, I've finally finished my secret project to read all the Harry Potter books and assign cutesy names to them based on title or significant plot points. My assessments are as follows

Harry Potter and the Outsourcer's Stone

The first volume in the series wasn't particularly excellent; I figured that Snape wouldn't be the bad guy since it was too damn obvious. (Oh, by the way, I started reading the series long after Book Six came out and had witnessed mass spoilings of the critical event in that book, so that may have also lended some proof that Snape wasn't evil in this novel). The book also demonstrated the vast subtlety of JK Rowling, with the Mirror of Erised. I mean fuck, does JK take the reader to be somewhat dumber than the average rock with Down's syndrome?

The highlight, though, was when Neville pulled out his Gandalf impersonation. "You shall not pass!" (Too bad Harry and the crew pwned him instantly). But yeah, Neville rocks, as I would be proven later on.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Seacrest

Again, a volume not particularly fraught with awesomeness; however, it is the book in which we are introduced to Moaning Myrtle, a character who in time rises to awesome prominence. Also, there's some boring shit about Hagrid's past and stuff, and Harry pwns a basilisk, but I didn't really give a crap.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Assraping

I was Siriusly bored by this book. No fucking surprises again.

Hm. Unless this was the book with the flying, sentient car. If not (meaning the car was in the previous book), then shit. (I'm rather fond of the car).

Harry Potter and the Phantom Menace

Okay, this book was truly damn awesome. The plot most closely resembles Phantom Menace, but I got a definite Fellowship of the Ring vibe too, especially closer towards the end. And for once, JK actually managed to surprise me. I hadn't figured Moody to be an impostor.

But by far the greatest part of the novel was when Moaning Myrtle revealed how much of a fucking pervert she was and spied on Harry in the bath.



Harry Potter and the Empire Strikes Back

May God damn JK for the first half of the book.

Cuntbridge's brand of evil was boring, predictable, and petty. It was about as entertaining as a tale of an orderly who tortured his patients for no damn reason.

But then JK wrote the second half of the book, and I suppose God doesn't have to damn her too much.

The most awesomest part was when Fred and George made their escape, all the while me humming the Indiana Jones music, imagining George triumphantly shaing his fedora into the air as the natives fire arrows futilely at him.

And the Empire Strikes Back part refers to how Voldemort lured Harry to the Ministry of Bespin with the implied threat towards Sirius. Too bad Sirius fell into a pit of death or whatever instead of a pit of carbonite.

Best  part: Neville was almost the star of the series. Damn fate.

Harry Potter and the X-Men 3

Ah, quite a confusing title, eh? Well, it refers to the part about how Dumbledore revealing his recruitment of Voldemort into Hogwarts, and culminating in his near-death at Malfoy's hand until his actual death at Snape's hand.

Secret: Dumbledore's last words to Malfoy were "Don't let it control you."

And of course there are several other parallels:

Dumbledore: Head of Hogwarts

Xavier: Head of Xavier's School for Mutants

Dumbledore: Buried on the grounds of his school

Xavier: Ditto

Of course, this makes Voldemort Jean Grey, and that means Harry will confess his love for the Dark Lord when they have their final encounter. And billions of fanfic authors will go nuts.

Other items of note:

Harry + Ginny = Meh, saw it coming.

Harry + Ron = Er, I actually meant to type

Ron + Hermoine = Fuck, I haven't seen this much romantic tension since Ross and Rachel.

(PS: I also almost mistakenly typed Harry and Hermoine, and Ron and Ginny. Boy, wouldn't that be fun.)

Neville + Moaning Myrtle = Oh, if only.

Malfoy + Tears = Fag

Dumbledore - Life = I could only think of the ragdoll physics in Oblivion when I imagined Dumbledore soaring off the Astronomy Tower. And that makes me a terrible person.

Harry + Snape (not in a fag way) = I think Snape is going to be the Vader character. He's going to throw Voldemort into the reactor chute at the last minute.

Harry: But I'm supposed to save you.

Snape: You already have. Five points from Gryffindor for not already realizing that.

(Okay, I guess from that it would be a gay thing).

My hopes for Harry Potter and the Last Crusade:

Neville + Moaning Myrtle + Sentient Car awesomeness

Ginny ends up being a Horcrux (so I guess we'll have the "I love you" stab to death scene after all).

Voldemort turns Dumbledore into an Inferni/Horcrux, and Harry must fuck Dumbledore's body to pieces to destroy it.

Fred and George vs. Voldemort.

Neville vs. Voldemort. (If Neville turns evil to do this, that would be acceptable).

Voldemort gets killed by Uncle Vernon with a gun. (This would be so fucking hilarious).

Dudley was Voldemort all along.

RAB is actually short for Rabbi, and a team of Mossad agents takes out Voldemort.

Moaning Myrtle gets pregnant from Draco.

There's an epilogue at the end of the book that rips off the ending of every Dragnet shows (Voldemort was sentenced to ten years in Azkaban State Penitentiary).

Harry Potter converts to Christianity and beats Voldemort (and every other wizard) with the help of Jack Chick.

The last chapter consists only of "Thanks for making me rich, suckers."

Harry finds out that the World Trade Center is one of the Horcruxes (remember, the books are supposed to take place from 1990-1997 or something. And Book 7 doesn't necessarily have to take place only within one year).

Filch gets his wish and whips a student -- and the student likes it.

The Sorting Hat starts cursing and puts absolutely everyone into Slytherin house.

Harry drinks Polyjuice potion that's supposed to make the drinker look like Harry, and there's a scene that resembles the one from Being John Malkovich when Malkovich went into his own portal.

Harry gets the help of the snake he released all the way in the first book.

Voldemort realizes that all you need is love, and quits the evil job.

1 comment:

olivetti said...

your right about one thing muggles are f....king better then wizards retards i'm sorry but when harry fights voldemort in the graveyard and their wands attach to each other why doesn't harry pull out a pistle and shoot voldemort in the head.The killing curse is also crap compared with a machine gun that can kill fifty people in one round.Voldemort wouldm't stand a chance.